Jul 12, 2016
Music: Creepy – Bensound.com.
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Andrew: |
These are some stories which we made up brought to you by the magic of the internet.
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Once upon a time Jesus H. Christ set out from his home to the marketplace. He stood among the market traders on an old box preaching to the crowds. "Blessed are the cheese makers," he'd acclaimed and a passing cheese maker so delighted in hearing his words that he gave him a shiny silver coin.
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"Uh huh," thought Jesus to himself. "I bet I can take this coin, multiply it into many more using one simple trick." "Blessed are the rich," said Jesus.
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The end.
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This is the story of the witch and the turning sickness.
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Once upon a time, in a relatively far away place, there was a deep dark forest.
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James: |
Almost no one ever went into the forest. For the first mile or so round the edge, you can sometimes snare rabbits or maybe go logging, but further in if men ventured they did not return.
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Andrew: |
There were no ponds in the heart of this forest. Only huge, nulled tree trunks growing up the bushy leaves of the canopy obscuring the sky in all but the very depths of winter. But still in this heart, there dwelled one person.
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James: |
An old and wise woman. She had lived there, some say for centuries.
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Andrew: |
There were many things ... it was said ... that she understood. How to control the seasons and the weather ...
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James: |
How to talk to animals and smaller creatures.
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Andrew: |
How to raise the dead from their graves.
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James: |
How to blend and choose the herbs and spices of the forest to counteract illness and drive away evil spirits.
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Andrew: |
But whatever favor she did for you, if you made your way into the heart of the forest and found her cottage and begged for her help, she would ask for a price.
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James: |
The price would always be high. Perhaps the highest you could possibly pay but it would also always be appropriate to you, to the illness she was curing or the misdeeds she was covering over.
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Andrew: |
Those who failed to pay would suffer a terrible punishment as all of the power that she had used to help was unleashed on creating suffering.
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James: |
In another part of the country, far far away from the black forest there sat a village of great renown.
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Andrew: |
The people of this village were famed for miles around ... all of the other towns and villages of the plain knew that these people were good and chaste and virtuous and pure of heart.
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James: |
It was winter. The end of Christmas tide and the villagers were bringing in their livestock to the great communal barn to shelter them there through the bitterous nights of darkness ...
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Andrew: |
... and after their mid-winter festival which they always held when the great herding of animals had been completed, they all returned to their homes. The next day they woke and to their horror, they found that the barn had been raided over night and six chickens had been taken away.
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James: |
The village elders questioned everyone but nobody had heard or seen anything and nobody confessed to the crime. No remnants of the chickens were found and the village was forced to go to sleep once more aware now that there might be a thief amongst them.
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Andrew: |
In deed the very next day dawn bright and early and they found that this time two pigs had been taken and again nobody had seen anything, nobody had heard anything, the village elders questioned everybody. There was no evidence.
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James: |
One more night, the villagers slept worried now about what would be stolen overnight and sure enough, as the weak raise of the winter sun touched the steeple of the village church, they woke to discover the great cow had been stolen.
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Andrew: |
The village elders met in councils to discuss the situation. "How can it be that we, people known to be pure of heart, people known to be good and true should have to suffer this terrible plague of theft upon our houses."
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James: |
"It cannot be one of us," they agreed. "We are too good. We are too pure. It must be the work of the devil."
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Andrew: |
"Yes. The devil who brings with him the turning sickness," said one of the elders from the back of the room. They turned to look at him. "Yes. I recall a tale from my childhood of an entire village wiped out. A village who had been pure of heart but were corrupted by the taint of sin in the cool clear air."
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James: |
On hearing this, the other elders were much afraid and they turned to their leader. "What should we do? What can we do to protect ourselves from the devil himself?"
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Andrew: |
"We must barricade ourselves within our homes and barricade our livestock into the barn. We must pray that it is not too late and that we are still able to escape the sickness."
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James: |
That night the villagers barricaded themselves into their homes, having previously boarded up the barn with the livestock inside it. No more theft that night but the following morning they discovered that they were already too late.
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Every house had at least one person fall to the turning sickness.
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Andrew: |
"What shall we do now?" said the council of elders. "We have waited too long. We have let the situation go too far and the devil already has hold of us." There is only one thing we can do. You must send for the witch.
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James: |
So their fastest messenger was sent on their fastest horse speeding through the winter nights towards the dark forest and the witch's house within.
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Andrew: |
He tethered his horse at the edge of the forest and set out through the dense network of trees. It seemed like he had trekked for days when at last he came across a tiny crooked cottage in a tiny clearing.
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James: |
"I know why you are here," said the witch. "You have succumbed to the devil and the turning sickness."
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"Yes," said the messenger. "Will you help us?"
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"I will help you," said the witch "but there shall be a price."
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Andrew: |
"Name your price," said the messenger. "We will pay anything. Our people are sick and must be saved."
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"Yes," said the witch. "I will save them. I will save them all but then I shall return in ten summers time and I shall take from the village to be my slaves and minions all of your virgins."
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James: |
So saying, she cracked up her herbs and spices into her bag, leapt upon her broomstick and vanished. Appearing moments later at the village where the elders were waiting anxiously for word.
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Andrew: |
"Almighty and powerful witch," they said as she appeared before them, "We thank you for being merciful and coming to our aid in our hour of need."
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James: |
"Of course," said the witch. "But heed my price and pay it in full," and so saying she unpacked her herbs and spices and made a bitter brew which every villager drank down and in the morning the turning sickness was gone. "Remember the price," said the witch before leaving the village alone.
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Andrew: |
There was great celebration in the village that people had been cured and spared and that they were able to go on living their lives. What joy there was in their hearts until they remembered the price that they were going to have to pay. How would it be that in ten years time, all of the young and the purest of the pure of heart to be snatched away.
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James: |
... and so the council of elders met and decided a terrible fate for the village. For the next ten years, no children were to be born. No children were to be allowed. If any were conceived and carried to term, they would be without mercy killed that they might not become the slaves of the witch.
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Andrew: |
... and so it was that this cruel policy was enacted and for ten years the villagers kept their word and though they may have sorrow in their hearts, they brought no children into the world. So it was that ten summers had passed and the witch returned on her broomstick and called to the village that they come and meet her and pay her price.
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James: |
When the witch found out that they had no virgins to give, she burned the village down with all the villagers inside it.
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The end.
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A long time ago, before mankind came on the scene, the northern hemisphere was ruled by dinosaurs using a democratic system of government. One day at the meeting of the senate, their chief scientific advisor made a great announcement. "We have discovered," he said " a large expanse of water on the moon. Should we go there?"
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"Yes." They said and did.
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The end.
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Now the tale of the talking horse of Baghdad.
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Andrew: |
Once upon a time in a far away land, there lived a horse. This horse was no ordinary horse. He had a magical power.
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James: |
Every morning he would get up, stretch and in front of the villagers and anyone who had gathered he would declaim a story.
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Andrew: |
This was a talking horse. A horse with a gift of speech, an eloquent horse, a great orator some say that people would travel miles to hear.
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James: |
One day after giving his oration, he noticed a small man at the edge of the paddock.
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Andrew: |
He went up to the man and said, "You seem like a stranger. You're not from these parts. I haven't seen your face before."
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"That's right," said the man, "I have traveled from far off Baghdad.
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James: |
... and I noticed as I watched you after your oration, you seem troubled, you seem alone. "
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Andrew: |
"Yes," said the horse, "It is true. For although I have many admirers and people come from far and wide to hear me speak, in my heart I have a great loneliness ...
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James: |
... for I am the only talking horse that I have ever encountered and without others of my kind, how could I possibly be other than alone."
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Andrew: |
"Well," said the man, "In that case, you must travel for in Baghdad there is a talking horse of great repute that people come from even further to see."
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James: |
"If this is so," said the horse, "then I shall journey there at once" and so saying, he packed up his few belongings.
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Andrew: |
He had some strips of wood, some coal ore and a woolen fleece from a mighty sheep.
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James: |
Packing them away, he trotted south. South through the hills and valleys. South towards the unknown.
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Andrew: |
At the top of the highest hill, he stopped and turned and looked back at the way he had come, at the land that he had called home for so many years and thought to himself ...
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James: |
"Will I ever come this way again? Perhaps this is the last few I will have of this home." So saying, he turned and proceeded south.
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Andrew: |
Beyond the hills laid the great dusty desert plain filed with dunes and sand.
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James: |
He traveled through it for many days, gradually feeling weaker and weaker until he reached an oasis in the desert where he was able to quench his thirst.
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Andrew: |
At the desert oasis, he met with a nomadic tribe and asked them, "Which is the best route from here to Baghdad?"
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... and they turned and pointed east. East towards the jewel of the Caliphate. He thanked them with a story and continued on.
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Andrew: |
He trekked for many days and many nights and finally was clear of the desert and standing before the towering great gate of the city wall of Baghdad.
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James: |
Minarets twisted high above him and mighty stone randalls beneath.
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The gate of the wall was closed and by it, a sleeping century stood in his box. "Hello," cried the horse, "Hello."
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The soldier woke with a stat. "Who is it? Who is it who seeks passage into Baghdad?" he asked.
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"It's just me," said the horse, "Just me."
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Andrew: |
"I have come for I hear there is a great talking horse in the city and I wish to speak with him."
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"Very well, " said the soldier, "but there is a price."
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"You must pay the tax of the Caliph."
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"Well, what is this tax," said the horse, "I don't have many possessions. I have wood, ore and the ewe skin."
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"Ah," said the soldier, "Well it just so happens that as the winter nights draw in, I have a longing for warmth. I will take your wood and let you pass into the city of Baghdad," and so as the soldier built himself a fire, the horse trotted in.
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Andrew: |
All roads in Baghdad lead to one mighty central square. It is said to be the largest square in the whole of the world.
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James: |
The horse looked around seeking from corner to corner, anyone who could help him in his quest for the talking horse of Baghdad. A small voice appeared at his side.
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Andrew: |
It was a little girl. "Excuse me," she said to him, "Are you lost? You look lost. Can I help you?"
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James: |
"I am looking," said the horse, "for the talking horse of Baghdad."
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"I can help you," said the girl, "but there is a price."
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Andrew: |
"Well," said the horse, " I have in my saddle bag my coal ore or a mighty sheep skin."
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"Oh," said the girl, "Yes. A sheep skin...
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James: |
That will keep me warm during the bitter winter nights as the cold winds blow across the plains," and so she took him to the stables.
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Andrew: |
... and there he encountered a small man with a large key standing outside a locked door. "Excuse me,"
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James: |
... said the horse, "Can you let me in to see the talking horse of Baghdad?"
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"I can," said the man, "but there will be a price."
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Andrew: |
"The only thing I have for you," said the horse, "is this coal ore."
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"Aha," said the man, "This is perfect for firing my brassier." "Yes," he said and took his mighty key ...
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James: |
... and unlocked the stable door and the horse trotted inside but within was not a talking horse of Baghdad ...
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Andrew: |
... but a whole crowd of horses. Hundred upon hundreds of them chattering in the many languages of the world.
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"What?" thought the horse to himself, "Can there be?"
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James: |
"What is this?" and he nudged the closest horse to him and said, "What is going on?"
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"This," said the horse...
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Andrew: |
"... is the parliament of all horses. Delegations from around the world have been sent so that we may decide who we crown as our new king."
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James: |
This is the talking horse of Baghdad.
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Andrew: |
"Stranger, you are welcome. Tell us your tale."
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Peter ...
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James: |
... went ...
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... to ...
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James: |
... the ...
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... shops ...
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James: |
... to ...
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... buy ...
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James: |
... some ...
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Andrew: |
... bread.
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James: |
He ...
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... forgot ...
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James: |
... to ...
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... bring ...
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... his ...
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Andrew: |
... plastic ...
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James: |
... bag ...
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... so ...
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... was ...
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... wasteful ...
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James: |
... and ...
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... lost ...
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James: |
... five ...
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... pea ...
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... the ...
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... end.
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James: |
Jeremy ...
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Andrew: |
... played ...
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James: |
... cards ...
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Andrew: |
... against ...
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James: |
... his ...
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Andrew: |
... mother ...
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James: |
... and ...
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Andrew: |
... won.
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James: |
She ...
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Andrew: |
... never ...
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James: |
... spoke ...
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Andrew: |
... to ...
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James: |
... him ...
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Andrew: |
... again.
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James: |
The ...
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... end.
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Harold ...
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James: |
... went ...
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Andrew: |
... upstairs ...
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James: |
... and ...
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Andrew: |
... fell ...
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James: |
... downstairs ...
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Andrew: |
... the ...
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James: |
end.
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Andrew: |
I've been Andrew and I'm here with James. Join us next time for more made up tales.
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James: |
Clive ...
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Andrew: |
... met ...
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James: |
... a ...
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Andrew: |
... sticky ...
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James: |
... end ...
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Andrew: |
... when ...
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James: |
... he ...
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Andrew: |
... reversed ...
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James: |
... into ...
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Andrew: |
... a ...
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James: |
... beehive.
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Andrew: |
The ...
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James: |
... end.
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Andrew: |
That will do nicely, I think.
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