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Totally Made Up Tales

Aug 11, 2016

Welcome to the third episode of Totally Made Up Tales, an experiment in improvised storytelling in the digital age. We hope you enjoy our tales of wonder and mystery. Let us know what you think!

Music: Creepy –



Here are some totally made up tales brought to you by the magic of the internet.

Andrew / James (alternating words):

Modern life is tricksy. It twists and turns when you least expect it. If you discover that you're gay, what do you do? In olden times, you would have been sent to Los Angeles.


These days, gays are everywhere and many have to deal with that. Why can't you be gay? Why is gay such a challenging thing for so many people who are or are not gay? Let's find out by looking at a gay story together from history.


Julius Caesar was a Roman gay. He would rise in the morning and sleep with many other prominent Roman people in the afternoon. Before lunch, he governed. After lunch, he made love like the hero he was. Men, women, whatever. Basically, he was everything.


This confused many of his contemporaries who chose to be in monogamous relationships with people either of the opposite sex or the same. Julius lived broader and loved broader. When he left politics, he died and was honoured with no fewer than five thousand state banquets, each remembering a different lover. The end.


Now, The Well Endowed Witch.


Andrew / James (alternating words):

A witch who was well endowed in the chest went to market and sold her potions to a young couple who wanted a child. "Simply sprinkle this over your wedding bed and your child will be born beautiful, intelligent, and strong."


The couple raced home, sprinkled the potion, and went at it like bunnies. Nine months later, out of the blue, the witch appeared at their door.


"Hello dearies," she said. "There is one more thing I should tell you. Your child will be beautiful, intelligent, and strong, but will live with you for 18 years of joy and happiness, and then you both will die suddenly at his hands."


The two looked at each other in horror and asked, "What can we possibly do?" "Well," said the witch, "there is another potion I can administer now, before the child is born which will prevent it from growing into this assassin."


"What is the cost?" the woman asked.


"Ahh, that is unusual. Alas, mere money will not suffice for this potion. This requires a child. Your child."


The parents huddled and attempted to decide, debating the two impossible options. At length they turned to the witch and asked, "Will you look kindly after our son when you take him from us?"


"Of course," said the witch.


Many years later, the witch was happy with the strapping handsome man who adored her as his mother and often reflected on her good fortune. Meanwhile, the couple had had another child who had grown into a plain but cunning and fleet young woman. She would often wander around the fields and forests surrounding the village, thinking and taking time to herself. Her parents never worried because she was so cunning. Dependably reliable, she would come home with new ideas and flowers.


One day, while wandering across the beautiful meadows, she chanced upon a young man who was sitting by a stream, and they got talking.


"Hello," said the young man.


"Hello," she replied.


The conversation petered out into long, not too awkward pauses and significant gazes. Comfortable in their presence, they strolled though the meadows, and at length, fell in love. They parted and the girl returned to her home, while the boy went through the forest to the witch's house.


Upon hearing him return, the witch poked her head out of the window and said, "Where have you been?"


"I have been strolling through the fields with my sweetheart," he said.


"No," said the witch. "You have no sweetheart. You cannot have a sweetheart, you must not."


Chastened, the boy did his chores and went to sleep. He did as he was told because he had huge respect and loyalty to his adoptive mother. He never returned to the same meadows and wandered lonely through the forest.


One day, the path took him towards an open clearing in the forest. Lying in the patch of sunlight, there was the girl. "I must not talk to her," he thought, "but my heart tells me that I must."


While he was debating, she looked straight at him and leapt to her feet. "I have found you!" she cried. "I've looked all over the forests, and yet only now have I found you again." She embraced him and kissed him, and he felt the profound yearning for her and forgot his mother's words.


When he returned home that evening, the witch once more asked him what he had been doing. He knew that he must tell her, but he also dreaded to disappoint her. "You've been with her again," she said, using magic to read his mind.


"I love her," he said.


"No! You love only me!" said the witch, and locked him in his room.


The witch stormed from the hut and ran through the forest. She cursed the girl and screamed at the heavens, summoning thunder and rain. Meanwhile, in the village, at the home of the couple, the young girl felt a quiver go through her. Soon, she heard the thunder and saw the lightning and felt deep within her that this was somehow a sign. Her lover must be in danger, and she was going to save him.


Knowing her parents would not allow her out after dark, she crept out her window, wrapped herself in a heavy cloak, and set off into the heart of the forest. Dark, dripping with rain, sinister shadows from the bolts of lightning flickering all around her. She returned to the spot where they had met that day and looked for any tracks or indication of where he had been.


Spying a footprint on the ground, she followed the trail into the forest. A flash of lightning illuminated the crooked cottage suddenly in front of her. She peered in through the window and saw the witch rocking back and forth in her chair by candlelight and mixing a potion in a bowl. Creeping round the house, she spied another, smaller window with a flickering candle on the ledge. Looking around, she saw a tree and climbed up it swiftly to spy through the glass. She saw little, but could make out a figure lying on a bed of straw. She tapped lightly on the window and he stirred. Padding over to the window, he reached up to open it and looked up at her.


"What are you doing here?" he asked.


"I've come to rescue you," she replied.


"How did you know?"


"Never mind that. Here," she reached out to him. "Give me your hand. I'll pull you onto this branch." So he did, and they did, and climbing down the tree, she whispered, "I love you."


Landing softly at the bottom of the tree, she looked at her lover, who was ham-fistedly climbing down the tree, making a real racket.


"Sshh," she called urgently, causing him to fall, crashing down to the ground. The door of the cottage opened suddenly, the witch silhouetted against the light within.




"Run!" said the girl, and away they ran. The boy, the girl, and the witch behind.


Coming upon the clearing, the boy had to catch his breath. They stopped and the witch was about to reach them when a bolt of lightning slashed straight into the witch's head, frying her. The boy cried and collapsed onto the floor, sobbing.


"Come," said the young girl. "We must get home."


Her parents were shocked that she had been out in the storm, but recognized her courage and forgave her, welcoming the young man into the family, not knowing who he was.


I've been James, and I'm here with Andrew. These stories were recorded without advance planning, and lightly edited for the discerning listener. Join us next time for more totally made up tales.